Simon is wrong.
Coffee is an addictive drug.
It is basically legal crack for Wellington yuppies.
Therefore Simon is a crack peddler.
We know Simon is a drug addict because he goes to university. People who go to university take drugs.
Simon is trying to turn our young J Team members into coffee addicts to fund his own habit.
Simon’s street name is the the Keller Whale. That is because he eats baby fur seals. Cute ones.
The Scottish Management Committee is protecting you from people like Simon.
Coffee is a stimulant.
That means it makes you run faster like EPO or testosterone.
We don’t like people who supply runners with performance enhancing drugs.
So we should not like people who supply coffee.
Also, coffee gives people bad breath.
Not as bad breath as stale red wine and garlic fish burgers, but still pretty nasty.